


The Death of Neil Perry, Actor and Honorary Member of the Dead Poets Society

by BeExcellent



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Character Analysis, Character Death, DPS is sad, Dead Neil Perry (Dead Poets Society), Domestic DPS, I wrote this in chemistry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Minor Todd Anderson/Neil Perry, Not A Fix-It, Poetry, Short, but not really, my take on why Neil killed himself, not really a oneshot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:35:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28896762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeExcellent/pseuds/BeExcellent
Summary: A reflection on Neil Perry’s death and the reasons behind it. It isn’t as boring as it sounds, I promise. Carpe Diem.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	The Death of Neil Perry, Actor and Honorary Member of the Dead Poets Society

Neil didn’t do it because he was lonely. Neil had some of the best friends that he could ever ask for. Sure, sometimes he wished that Todd would come out of his shell a little more, and sure sometimes Charlie (or rather,  _ Nuwanda _ ) would act just a little more insane than your average teenager, and sure Knox’s obsession with Chris got a little too obsession-y sometimes, but Neil wouldn’t ask for anything else. Because sometimes he would look at Todd and his eyebrows would be scrunched together as he furiously wrote poems that Neil knew he’d never see, but loved nonetheless, and after he was finished he’d hold the paper up to the light streaming through their small dorm window and study the way the yellowed page nearly went transparent. Neil never knew why, but it was completely and utterly Todd. And sometimes Charlie would pat him on the back in the hallways and shove a rock or feather that he found during free period in his hand with only a “you take good care of her for me, Perry boy” or no words at all, just that curious smile that always seemed to linger on his face. And sometimes Knox would bump into another student and say “oh, sorry” in a soft voice that was fully genuine, no empty apology in sight, and if the person said “no worries” or something of the sorts, Knox would always turn to the rest of the group and say “he was nice” after the person was out of earshot, always sincere. And those were only his closest friends. He had more, too, like Pitts and Meeks and their radio and the enthusiasm that came with it. Even Cameron, who he didn’t like very much but still appreciated because he always had a pack or stick of gum on him no matter what, which Neil found amusing. 

So no, Neil wasn’t lonely. Neil also wasn’t a mental case, which he was sure the majority of people were bound to think. He was a glass half-full guy through and through, and even though he didn’t know much about depression, he knew he didn’t have it. Of course, sometimes the sadness hit and hit _hard_ , but everybody has at least some sadness in their life. Neil often found himself more happy than sad on a regular basis, even if it were for the smallest of reasons, and when he was sad he knew he’d be happy again at some point. So Neil didn’t do it because he was depressed, either. Neil didn’t even do it because of his father, even though that’s what he and others might have thought initially. So...why? 

Neil did it because he was trapped, with the only escape being no escape at all. And before he did it, he realized that it wasn’t even his father that had set the trap. It was the circumstances that he was born into. He realized that those circumstances would never _not_ exist and that they would never cease to make him unhappy. The circumstances did not to permit him to seize the day, and people like Neil’s father didn’t realize that he was  _born_ to seize the day. They could never see that if he continued to pace in the trap that his ancestors had unknowingly set for the rest of his life, he would never be let out. The higher-ups in his life, and there would  _always_ be higher-ups in his life, would think  _He’s fine in the cage, it’s what keeps him safe_ , because just by staying in it he would be signaling to them that he was in the cage of his own will, even though the reality of it was that they were keeping him in it and locking it tight.

Some people thought that Neil did it because he had given up, but the opposite was true. If Neil had continued living a lie because it was all he knew to do,  _that_ would have been him giving up. The fact of the matter was that Neil realized that if he wasn’t living as himself, he wasn’t living at all. And Neil wanted to  live . Badly. So he did until he was forced not to, and in the moment, the flash, the bang, the cold air on his bare skin, the heavy weight in his hand, the ache in his heart and the tear in his eye, Neil had never felt more himself. Neil knew who he was, and  that’s why he did it. So his life could end with him at the helm.   


_O Captain, my Captain. Our fearful trip is done._

**Author's Note:**

> The last line is taken from Walt Whitman’s O Captain! My Captain! But I changed up the punctuation a little for ~effect~


End file.
